Elrond’s Reasons Choosing FellowshipNot List
by MayetraWolfking
Summary: The real reasons Elrond chose the members of the Fellowship. This is a story and not a list. It contains Foul Language, Implied Drug Use and Adult Situations.
1. Chapter One: Frodo and Sam

Title: Elrond's Reasons For Choosing the Members of the Fellowship 1/6  
  
Authors: The Elf and The Dwarf (Mayetra and Hedda)  
  
Fandom: Lord of the Rings  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: If we owned 'em do you honestly think we would share them? We make no money from this fic.  
  
Special Warnings: Naughty language; Implied Drug Use  
  
Beta: None  
  
Cast: Canon characters.  
  
Timeline: LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring.  
  
Archive: Tortured Scribe  
  
Summary: The real reasons Elrond chose the members of the Fellowship.  
  
*~*  
  
Elrond sat in his private chambers considering the dilemma of the One Ring and his unwanted houseguests.  
  
Thankfully, Frodo had volunteered to take the Ring to Mordor and his little friend Sam was willing to go with him. Which is a good thing cause Sam would just sit around and cry if I didn't let him go, Elrond thought.  
  
Bilbo came to me earlier begging me to get them out of Imladris. He couldn't bear to tell the story of the Trolls one more time to Sam. Come to think of it, Bilbo has been running around Imladris mumbling about his precious and it is starting to get on my last nerve.  
  
Then there's the whole issue of Frodo's sad eyes. Big watery orbs of blue that follow your every move, it is enough to drive an Elf to drink. I wonder what Thranduil's excuse is. There is only so much healing one can do and I'm afraid that if Frodo were around Imladris much longer, he'd have Elves committing suicide left and right. Everyone knows that Elves can only handle so much angst and sadness before they just say fuck it and off themselves.  
  
Besides, we just can't afford to feed them. Every time I turn around the cooks are complaining about the little bastards raiding the pantry.  
  
Then there is the whole Glorfindel issue. Every time he sees Frodo he starts bitching and whining about Arwen upstaging him. If I have to hear about "it should have been me that stood up to The Nazgûl" one more time, I'm gonna bitchslap him.  
  
Don't get me started about those two worthless slacker sons of mine. I mean it's bad enough that Elladan and Elrohir have picked up some really bad habits from the humans, like not bathing. But now they're running around with pipes hanging out of their mouths and mushrooms stuffed in their pockets. Even worse Arwen has taken to wearing tunics and short pants. And her legs are so white they could blind an Elf at fifty paces. Not even Gil- galad's armor was that bright.  
  
One good thing is that they finally end up in Lorien. That aught to keep my bitchy mother-in-law busy. If I get one more nasty letter from her about how I let her baby girl get attack by Orcs I'll stab her with a poison blade myself. The thought does have merit, as Celeborn would probably throw one hell of a party.  
  
Now, that depressing little Hobbit and his friend will need some company. Seven more should do it and I think I know whose next.  
  
TBC 


	2. Chapter Two: Merry and Pippin

See Chapter One for Header  
  
*~*  
  
Well while I'm getting rid of Hobbits, I may as well add Merry and Pippin to the group. Big reason number one; they annoy me to no end. I mean already this week they have broken into my study and found the fireworks Gandalf left here last year. The stupid little gits set them off and damn near burned the place to the ground. Not to mention they broke my favorite bong in the process. Just last week one of the little shits hit me in the head with a rock while skipping stones.  
  
We really can't afford to feed them either. I mean they're worse then Frodo and Sam. And don't get me started on the fact that they have managed to eat every last mushroom from the gardens. Not even my private garden was spared from their ravenousness mushroom appetites.  
  
My private stash of soap is missing and I have a pretty good idea of where it went. I've been getting complaints all week about the hot water shortage we've been experiencing since they arrived.  
  
They just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Last week my wardens reported that they were teasing The Nazgûl from our side of the river. Every time you turn around you're tripping over their huge feet. It's enough to drive an Elf over to Sauron's side if only to exterminate the little fuckers.  
  
It's bad enough that there is an APB out on them for stealing vegetables from Farmer Maggot's place. I really don't need half of the Shire over here looking for them. I mean hanging out with Hobbits is Gandalf's shtick anyways. Of course the only reason he does is so he can get Hobbit weed at discount prices. Besides who knows maybe one day one of them will prove to be useful.  
  
Now about my Dwarf problem.  
  
TBC 


	3. Chapter Three: Gimli

Title: Elrond's Reasons For Choosing the Members of the Fellowship 3/6  
  
Authors: The Elf and The Dwarf (Mayetra and Hedda)  
  
Beta: Fireheart  
  
Note: In compliance with FF.net policies we have censored this work- it's only one word and those of you with active imaginations can probably figure it out. If you are over the age of 18, you may join the Tortured Scribes Fan Fiction Yahoo Group to read the uncensored version TheTorturedScribes- subscribe@yahoogroups.com  
  
************************************************************************  
  
I guess I should go ahead and send Gimli, I mean all he does is sit around and drink our wine. Who died and made him my problem? His old man was in here begging and pleading for me to send him along. The good news is we're going to be getting a nice big shipment of Dwarven Ale. I really drove a hard bargain with Glòin. I mean I would've settled for fifty barrels but he must have really been desperate to agree to seventy-five. He actually broke down and cried when he talked about his idiot son breaking his axe on that goddamn Ring.  
  
Gimli must really be playing with half a deck, I mean how fucking stupid do you have to be to hit THE ONE RING with an ordinary weapon. Even Orcs know that the only way to destroy it is to throw it into Mount Doom. Of course if Glòin is to be believed, Gimli has caused half a dozen cavern collapses in the last six months. No wonder Glòin is desperate to get rid of him. He is probably hoping the Balrog will smoke his ass like his dim cousin Balin.  
  
According to Glòin, he actually slept with his brother's wife. It damn near caused a civil war and he was forced to bring him here. And I thought I had it rough with my offspring. He has no manners even for a Dwarf and that's saying a lot. If he had spit one more time during the council I think I would have lost my lunch. His beard looks like Orcs have been using it for a love nest. I couldn't tell if it was matted with dried food or Orc [Bleep].  
  
Now about that daughter of mine.  
  
TBC 


	4. Chapter Four: Aragorn and Boromir

Title: Elrond's Reasons For Choosing the Members of the Fellowship 4/6  
  
Authors: The Elf and The Dwarf (Mayetra and Hedda)  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: If we owned 'em do you honestly think we would share them?  
  
Special Warnings: Naughty language, implied drug use  
  
Summary: The real reasons Elrond chose the members of the Fellowship.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
I really need to do something about Aragorn. He is spending way too much time with Arwen. Just last week, I caught her carving Aragorn and Arwen Forever in my favorite oak tree. Then she specifically disobeyed my orders to stay way from him when she took off to find him and the Hobbits. Glorfindel damn near shit kittens when he found out she had taken Asfaloth.  
  
Besides I really should send someone with brains along to watch out for Frodo. At least Aragorn has had the benefit of a good Elven education, it's not like he's prone to falling off cliffs into a ranging river on a regular basis. Eru help them if Gimli takes charge, which would be a disaster waiting to happen.  
  
Something has to be done, when Aragorn is not sniffing around Arwen's skirts, he's over by the broken sword shaking in his boots. I mean get a grip already, it's not like he's Isildur reincarnated. If he doesn't grow a set of balls soon, the prophecy about that broken piece of crap sword being reforged won't come true. Someone has to go run Gondor; it will go to hell in a hand basket if Boromir takes the throne.  
  
No way am I letting my only daughter marry some bum who spends his time slinking around the countryside with a bunch of guys. I mean Orc hunting is great fun and all but it doesn't pay the bills. No way are they shacking up here, leaving me to support them.  
  
While I'm on the subject of men, I think Boromir will make an excellent addition to the Fellowship. I mean someone has to fall to the lure of the Ring. I can't think of a better candidate. He's rude, obnoxious and the stupidest man I've had the displeasure to meet since Isildur. Didn't he listen to one word we said about the Ring? Alls he could talk about was Gondor and how he could destroy Sauron's army if only he had the Ring. Yeah, like that would happen! I'd sooner strip down naked and run through a camp of horny Orcs then let that stupid git have the Ring.  
  
And what is with that stupid horn of his? All day long he's huffing and puffing away on that thing. I was happily drinking my juice this morning watching the sunrise when TOOT, TOOT, TOOT. He's blowing on that blasted thing trying to wake the dead. It nearly scared the piss out of me. I mean hello? Morning here? Sun's not up and the birds are still quiet. I never really noticed how much juice burns as it comes out your nose. Until today. Life will be so much quieter with him gone.  
  
Speaking of peace and quiet. I really need to give King Thranduil's request some serious consideration.  
  
TBC 


	5. Chapter Five: Legolas

Title: Elrond's Reasons For Choosing the Members of the Fellowship 5/6  
  
Authors: The Elf and The Dwarf (Mayetra and Hedda)  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: If we owned 'em do you honestly think we would share them?  
  
Special Warnings: Naughty language, implied drug use  
  
Summary: The real reasons Elrond chose the members of the Fellowship.  
  
*~*  
  
I'm starting to understand what King Thranduil means when he says his son is whore. He sent me a letter pleading to find a way for Legolas to prove his manliness other than trying to bed every female he sees. I was pretty sure that he had been exaggerating, when he said Legolas had managed to knock up half of the eligible females in the palace. But given his roving eyes I'm starting to have my doubts. I've never seen a boy so given to primping; he's constantly patting his hair. While we were having the first council about the Ring, I actually caught him buffing his nails. Then the dumb ass goes and starts blabbing about Aragorn being Isildur's heir. HELLO! That was supposed to be a secret. Stupid git.  
  
Well, he's not staying here. I'll send him along and hopefully; he can shoot his bow as well he can seduce females. Plus, it will drive Galadriel crazy when he shows up in Lorien, she's already got a hard enough time with that slut Haldir. Let's see how she handles him. And if it's Celeborn's lucky day, the old hag will run off with the git. If not, he can show off to the Human with his spiffy horse riding skills and nifty combat maneuvers like sliding stairs on a shield. The boy is all style and no substance, but the Humans will be impressed.  
  
And if I'm really lucky, Aragorn will take a fancy to him and leave my poor baby girl alone.  
  
Now, what to do about Gandalf. TBC 


	6. Chapter Six: Gandalf

Title: Elrond's Reasons For Choosing the Members of the Fellowship 6/6  
  
Authors: The Elf and The Dwarf (Mayetra and Hedda)  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: If we owned 'em do you honestly think we would share them?  
  
Special Warnings: Naughty language, implied drug use  
  
Summary: The real reasons Elrond chose the members of the Fellowship.  
  
*~*  
  
Don't get me wrong, as far as the Istari go, Gandalf is an okay guy. But his choice of traveling companions has degenerated over the years. Gone are the good old days when he hung around with Glorfindel. Now it's Dwarves and Hobbits. I know I'm being unkind but you don't show up unannounced on someone's doorstep with fourteen 'guests' in tow. But what can you expect from an alcoholic junkie. His first vice of Dwarven Ale has grown to include Hobbit weed. Now I'm not above smoking a bowl now and again myself but I don't carry my pipe with me everywhere I go. And he's always showing up here trying to bogart my stash. Adding insult to injury by pretending to just need a map translated. He is a higher being for Eru's sake, don't tell me he can't read a fucking map. Besides where in my list of titles is the word 'wise'. If my mother-in-law wasn't such a bitch and would let Celeborn have a few friends, maybe Gandalf wouldn't be camped out on my doorstep all the time.  
  
It's time he stepped up to the plate and did something about Saruman. If Gandalf hadn't been such a pussy and had taken the job of Head of the White Council when we offered it to him, we wouldn't be in the situation we are in now. As it is, I'm going to have to pay a heavy tariff tax to that old goat, Saruman, in Orthanc to get my shipment of Dwarven Ale from the Lonely Mountain.  
  
And Gandalf had the nerve to speak the Black Tongue, in my house. Talk about being rude. My poor sensitive ears are still ringing from it. Gandalf has to go.  
  
Yes, life will be much better once these nine pesky individuals are out of my house. I think I shall give them a nice, spiffy name, maybe the Comrades or, how about, the Buddies of the Ring. No, that doesn't sound good at all. I could go with Nine Guys and a Pony named Bill. No, that was the name of a band at the Grey Haven Festival last year. Don't need a lawsuit for trademark infringement. I've got it! I'll call them the Company of the Ring better known as The Nine Walkers. Yeah, that will do.  
  
The End 


End file.
